told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
describing stardew valley
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
CUTE CAT‼︎
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not